记叙文讲评（3）

　　【习作要求】

　　拾金不昧是一种优良品质。在日常生活中，我们可能会经常捡到别人的财物，大多数人会主动归还，但也有人可能会据为己有。请以此为话题，写一篇120字左右的记叙文。题目自拟。

　　【名师提示】

　　(1) 这种只给了中心话题，没有给具体情节的记叙文，我们在动笔之前，首先要确定的是文章的立意；然后要在脑中勾勒出具体的画面，确定故事的情节。立意要新颖，选材要得当。

　　(2) 写这类文章，一般是通过叙述一个完整的故事，让读者领会出文章主人公的那种“拾金不昧”的高尚情操。当然这是通常的思路，你也可以从另外一个角度来立意，比如下面这篇文章。

　　(3) 在写作的过程中，要注意使用合适的句型来表达；另外，还要注意时态的运用。

　　【学生习作】

The“Lost”Money
“What's that?” Just as she walked out of the dormitory, she caught sight of something on the ground.　 “Oh, money! ” She hurried to (1) the money with her eyes opened wide(2),and stepped on it. She looked around “God bless me! There is nobody but me.” She picked up the money and put it into her pocket by pretending to tie her shoes. Then she hurried back into the dormitory with her face hot and red. 　　Having closed the door, she began to count the money. “One yuan, two yuan… Ah, sixty yuan!” Her heart beat very fast. 　　She thought,“With it, I can buy a new suit. (3) Let those girls who care for dressing envy me.　 I would look splendid in my new clothes.” 　　The whole morning she learned nothing about her lessons. In the afternoon she walked into the classroom, dressed in new clothes. She looked like a beautiful actress. Tens of eyes (4) were fixed upon her. She felt as if she were on top of the world. 　　A few days passed, but she didn't hear anyone looking for money (5). So she looked at herself in the mirror joyfully (6). 　　One night she began to count her “possessions(财产)”. “Oh, my dear! Where is my sixty yuan？ I have to live on (7)for two months?” “Oh, the money! My sixty yuan!”	(1)rushed for比 hurried to更生动。 　　(2)习惯用 with one's eyes/mouth wide open。 　　(3)后接直接引语，最好用 think aloud(自言自语)，把she thought aloud插在中间，更符合英语习惯。 　　(4)习惯用 dozens of表达“几十”。 　　(5)“听说某人干某事”，要说 hear of sb. doing sth. 。hear sb. doing sth. 是真的能“听”到，如 hear him singing；money前加 the，是特指这 60元钱。 　　(6)加 even more 使上下文更连贯。 　　(7)live on 少宾语，加上it, 作宾语，代替the 60 yuan.

　　【名师点评】

　　文章构思巧妙，对主人公的心理描写非常的真实、生动，人物塑造较为成功。词汇、句子结构也较丰富。这篇文章的精彩之处在于这种出乎预料的结尾，给读者留下了深刻的印象；同时，也让读者感受到作者新颖的立意。