优秀作文评析 (31)

　　【习作要求】
　　去年暑期，我决定去打工体验生活。最后在朋友的帮助下，我在一家鞋厂找到了一份工作。工作很简单，就是把鞋的尺码标签贴在鞋上。经过一个月的工作，我最终得到了200元的工资，这是我一生中的第一笔收入。请以此为中心，写一篇记叙文。

　　【名师提示】
　　根据内容提示，我们首先可以确定文章的中心是要描述打工的过程，让读者最终能够体会到挣钱的不易。其次，提示并没有给我们交待文章该如何开头和结尾，所以我们需要设计一个好的开头，良好的开端是成功的一半。
　　参考词汇：收入：income; 标签：mark

　　【学生习作】

The First Income in My Life
After much thought, I spent the 200 yuan on a new pair of sports shoes in the end. It was all I had earned through a month’s hard work. And it was my first income in my life. ① 　　Last summer vacation, I wanted to buy a pair of sports shoes. But this time I didn’t want to ask my parents for the money. I decided to earn it by myself. Hearing what I wanted ②, my parents said, “Earn it by yourself and you’ll find it a helpful experience in your whole life.” Finally I got a job in a shoe factory with the help of my friends. How excited I was! 　　On the first day, I got to the factory early. The master worker told me the rules of the factory, such as get to the factory on time. I must obey the rules and I should not be lazy, work must carefully. ③ 　　My job was to press size marks on the shoes. It was simple and dull. The long hours’ uninteresting work always made me feel tired.④ 　　As usual, ⑤ I felt summer holidays passing very fast, but the days working in the factory seemed very long. During the work, I frequently looked at my watch and wished time would run more quickly. At last, a month passed and I was paid 200 yuan. 　　I’ll never forget that unusual experience, which enabled me to understand more about the famous saying, “Business makes a man as well as tries him.” It also enabled me to see where the source of happiness lies.	① 文章的开头设计得很好，采用了倒叙法，能够吸引读者的兴趣。 　　② 把Hearing 改成Knowing 更符合英语表达，意思是“了解到”。 　　③ such as后列举的都是rules，因此要改成动名词形式，即such as getting to the factory on time,　 obeying the regulations (条例), not being lazy and working carefully. 　　④ 此句如果改成：But it often made me feel tired to do such dull work for long hours. 则更加符合英语表达习惯。 　　⑤ as usual 意为“像往常一样”, 在此处不符合上下文的逻辑，应该改成Usually。
【名师点评】 　　该文描写的简洁生动、记述详略得当，语言运用也较好。文中的心理描写符合中学生的习惯，比较真实。文章开头一段采用了倒叙法，这种方法如果运用得当，能增加文章的色彩。其次对文章的开头和结尾的设计，体现了首尾呼应的原则。文章的重点放在对打工过程中的心理感受作了仔细的描写，这符合提示要求。