优秀作文评析 (32)
【习作要求】
许多学生都喜欢流行歌曲，崇拜流行歌星。请以“My favorite pop star (我最喜爱的歌星)”为题，写一篇记叙文，谈谈自己喜欢的歌星。词数100左右。
【名师提示】
写这类文章，可能开始时一定感觉很容易，但是要想写好，就真的不是那么容易了。最容易出现的问题就是“泛泛而谈”，不够新颖。那么怎样才能使得文章生动呢？ 这就要求选材时要注意选择那些具有代表性、能够说明你所喜欢的歌星的成就或性格的事例，以及他成功的方法，而不能面面俱到，要详略得当。写作时，通常以时间为顺序来写。
【学生习作】
| My Favorite Pop Star | |
| Zhou Jielun is my favorite pop star. His English name is Jay Chou. I like him very much not only because he is very handsome, but also ① his songs are very beautiful and different. On May 1, he gave a performance in Beijing. More than 3000 fans went to the stadium to see him ②. Almost all of them were young people. Some of them were even from Tianjin, which is about 200 kilometers far from Beijing ③. I really wanted to watch the performance, but unfortunately, I didn’t get a ticket. So I watched the performance on TV. Jay Chou is one of the most popular star ④ in China. He was born in Taiwan. He liked ⑤ playing basketball and he is good at writing songs and playing Chinese zither. His music covers many types of style. And he likes Chinese culture very much. Except ⑥ a successful pop singer with too many fans, he is a responsible and kind person. I hope he will be happy all his life, for he is loved by all of us. |
① 应添加because，因为此处not only… but also…连接的是两个原因状语从句，应放在连接的并列成分前。 ② 应该用to listen to him 更合适。 ③ 应该away代替far, 意思是: 离…有多远。 ④ 既然是one of 表示其中之一，所以of 后面应该接名词的复数形式，所以是stars. ⑤ 这篇短文是介绍周杰伦的，他的一般情况应该用一般现在时，所以liked应改成likes。 ⑥ Except 应改为Besides，表示除了是个成功的流行歌手以外，他还是一个有责任心的善良的人。 |
| 【名师点评】 该文对歌星周杰伦作了简单的介绍。文章也交代了自己喜欢周的原因，这一点介绍非常好，符合题目favourite这一关键词的要求。对人物的介绍，要注意选材，要选取那些有代表性的材料，避免写的大而化之。本文在这方面做的不好，如短文后面总结周杰伦是一个负责的、善良的人，应给出适当的范例来说明，这样可以使短文内容更完整，更生动。此文词数稍多，对音乐会的描写可以稍略。 |
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