优秀作文评析 (33)
【习作要求】
谈起成长的经历，每个人都有不同的感受和经验，可能是令人兴奋的(exciting)、令人困惑的(confusing)、快乐的(happy)，也可能是痛苦的(painful)…… 以“Growing up is a / an _____ experience”为题写一篇英文作文，描述你成长的经验。词数120左右。
【名师提示】
书面表达的题目的呈现方法多种多样，有的给出主题句，有的限定起始句，有的给出标题，有的给出要点，也有的用图片作为提示。而这次命题给了一个题目，你可以选择不同的主题，这是一种较灵活的书面表达提出要求的方式，是一种开放式作文的形式。我们只要注意不要脱离主题，并注意文法用词的正确、句子的连贯就可以写出较好的作文。
这篇作文中你可以用不同的形容词来描述你成长的感受，不要局限于提示中给出的几个形容词，而且要给出具体的事例来描述你成长的经历，避免内容空洞，语言抽象而造成过多的陌生表达引起错误。
【学生习作】
| Growing Up Is Really A Self-fulfilling Experience | |
| When I think back ① my early childhood, I can remember how unhappy I was. I started in a new school in Shanghai, that ② was surrounded by a lot of toy stores and I was fascinated, in a rather special way, by all the toys displayed in the windows. At that time I was not particularly satisfied about my life. I knew I didn’t come from a rich family and my parents could afford to buy ③ these toys. I often wondered why I should suffer more than other children. I always kept this in my mind and felt sad often. As time went on, I entered junior high school and made ④ friends with a girl at the school. She was also from a poor family, but she was happy with her life and active in everything in school. She set a good example for ⑤ me. Gradually I began to take a positive attitude toward myself and my life. Of ⑥ this period of association with the girl, I experienced a real “grown-up”. And I got to realize, on an intellectual level, life should not be evaluated just by one’s wealth. Even now as a senior high school student, sometimes I still wonder why the enlightenment took so long. But I have finally come to know that growing up is really a self-fulfilling experience. |
①应改为think back on或 recall，表示“回想、回忆”。 ②因为这是一个非限制性定语从 句，所以应改为which。 ③afford后面可以省略to buy以避 免语义重复。 ④made friends改为became friendship更为确切，因为不需 强调“交朋友”这一动作，而需 强调结果。 ⑤set a (good) example to sb 给某人树立好的榜样，for应改为 to； ⑥应改为During，更强调与这个女 孩交往的过程。 |
| 【名师点评】 本习作能够较好地运用英文词汇、语法与修辞，对主题把握的较好，条理清晰，语言连贯。习作作者通过叙述自己童年的经历和初中时期与一位女同学的交往过程说明了“成长是一个自我实现的过程”这个道理，是一篇比较成功的习作。 |
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